This ancient cake has been passed from relative to relative for centuries. We include a cute card describing the long list of past victims (er … Um … recipients) along with its origins. [Warning: Not for human consumption.]
From Revenge Gifts (The Book)
Diet Coke in hand, I headed to my computer to check email and reconnect with the real world. I sifted through the sex spam, saved off the personal emails, and opened the first email to Customer Service for Revenge Gifts.
I realize it is out of season, but I am interested in ordering approximately thirty of your Key Lime Fruitcakes. I was wondering if you offered any bulk discount for large orders, in which case I will purchase the correct amount to qualify. My fiancé and I want to serve it at our wedding reception July twenty-first.
I am under some kind of hellish curse. Or maybe this is a nightmare and I just haven’t woken up. The ghost, the phone call, the rooster, this stupid email are all part of some weird Voodoo induced dream and I just need to wake up.
I am going to sue Sidney and Jack for improper and subversive use of products purchased under false pretences from Revenge-Gifts.com. Squids. I wonder how much Sam charges for this kind of case?
I blasted off an email to the Key Lime Bakery and asked Sheila if she can whip up thirty or so fruitcakes and if she can give a discount. I calculated the approximate weight of the cakes and looked up the UPS overnight shipping cost and tell her that the customer can save $20 in shipping if we send them all in one box. I do not tell her that the thought of my thousand year old fruitcake, complete with a family tree detailing who has received this fruitcake, with special note of how many years it lay dormant in cellars and attics, all the way back to the woman who originally cooked it in forty-two BC for her husband in an attempt to kill him, so she could be free to marry her personal body slave Chorn, for a snack at a wedding reception is going to kill me. It’s a run on sentence. That’s how I think. It’s now five AM, I am slightly afraid, very annoyed, and I have just chugged down and entire can of Diet Coke in less than two minutes. I can run on if I want to.
I got up and got another one.
I‘ll answer Mr. Romance after Sheila gets back to me with an answer. I should just tell him a flat no. The website clearly states that it can only be ordered between November first and January thirty-first. It’s not even that great a fruitcake, no offense to Sheila. I should tell him that they cost extra out of season. — Tara Cole
Like someone? Hate someone? This gift will cover all the bases! We have our local artist draw a caricature of the loathed one and we transfer that in miniature to the bubbles for popping!
If you just plain hate them, give them pre-popped bubble wrap. And, if you love them, let us transfer a caricature of a hated boss, ex, etc onto un-popped bubble wrap to give your loved one hours of popping fun!
· Special Boxes available for the seriously sick and twisted.
· Each gift comes with original artwork drawn by local artists of your chosen object of loathing. Burn it in a voodoo ritual, shred it, or send it back to us for Santaria sanitation if you think it might be cursed (no extra charge for paranoia — we can relate).
· 10 by 10 foot sheet, artfully displayed.
· Bonus: Small, Pre-popped piece just to make your point to that freak in your office who giggles like a demented fiend popping bubble wrap every time they get a package in the mail.
· Extra sheets $30 each when ordered with original.